Today

Today would have been my grandfather's birthday.
It has been 21 years since he left this earth for his heavenly home, and I miss him everyday.

When my mother escaped from my abusive biological father, her parents insisted that we live with them in their home. My uncle(mom's brother, their son) had only been dead less than a year and my mother felt like she needed all of the family support that she could get, so we moved in with them. My mother knew that she couldn't count on my father to support us, so she got out and found a job. My grandparents took care of me during the day while she worked. They would tell anyone who would comment what a blessing it was to have me in their home, and that taking care of me gave them a reason to get up in the morning.

Finding their beloved son in the living room bleeding and almost dead due to a self-inflicted gun shot wound, nearly killed them both mentally and physically. It was the psychic wound that would never heal. My beautiful grandmother never recovered and eventually grieved herself to death, the diagnosis was breast cancer, but make no mistake she started dying the day Jr. did.

My grandfather had lived through so much in his lifetime, he survived the Pacific Theatre of World War II-so ill was he that the Army sent him home to die, the deep mines of West Virginia to a coal processing plant in Kentucky where he would be burned in an explosion, while saving another man's life.

When I was a little girl, I was so crazy about my Paw that I went everywhere with him, and when he had any task around the house to accomplish, I was his shadow and helper. My mother tells me that she never heard him say "I love you" to anyone until he said it to me.
Later he would tell her too. I guess he was able to be free with his emotions since I was a grandchild and he was older.

He was the father to me that I needed. I have read the statistics and horror stories of girls who grow up without their fathers, this didn't happen to me. I was so afraid of disappointing him, I would never misbehave. When I was pregnant with my son, I had days that I missed him so much I could think of nothing else. I wanted to lay down on his grave and wait to die. You know that I am drama queen, but that is how I felt, and I wasn't exactly rational while I was pregnant.

Watching my son grow, I see so many traits in Paddy that are like my Paw. I know Paw would be so tickled with him. Last night we fixed tacos for dinner and my hubby had picked up a container of the "grape" tomatoes for Paddy. He just kept popping those tomatoes in like they were candy, I thought how much Paw would love that since he loved to grow and eat tomatoes.

I hope that I can instill the values in my son that Paw instilled in me.